Welcome InLayout, LLC! Twelve Steps to a Happy Marriage

Fifty percent of first marriages end in divorce, and another fifty percent of second marriages do the same. While the statistics are shocking to those who are contemplating the cost of a modern-day wedding, we could also turn the statistics around to marvel at the half of all couples who manage to stay together throughout their lives. Granted, some are not particularly happy marriages, but there are still plenty of people around who marry and live happily ever after.

However do they do it?

When researchers look at longtime happily married couples, they find a certain mind-set (or maybe we should call it a “heart-set”).Tolerance, gentleness, consideration and genuine appreciation are important components in maintaining a relationship that may outlast war and separation, jealousy and temptation, economic difficulties, births of children, illness and frailty.

Successfully married people tend to conceptualize their relationship differently from those who are not successful. In successful marriages, partners see three, not two participants. For these people, there is the husband, the wife, and the relationship itself. People with this unique mindset, ask themselves not only about the state of their feelings about their partners, but the state of their relationship as a whole. Conceptualizing a third “partner” helps them stay focused on the big picture when trouble threatens: they act not only in reaction to a partner, but in consideration of their action’s impact on the marriage. It's more than an idea about “the perfect marriage” that drives happily married people: it’s a commitment to behaving in ways that support the health of the relationship.

Having a good relationship isn’t rocket science: but it helps to have the attitude of a space engineer! Patience, persistence, consistency and dogged optimism characterize the maintenance of a happy marriage. The rest of this article contains 12 recommendations for creating and maintaining a happy, lasting relationship. It’s good for both men and women and can be applied in any situation to increase the happiness of both partners.

1. Know where you stand. Ideally, marriage is based on agreements between partners on the basic ground rules of the relationship. Monogamy and truthfulness are two basic agreements most married people expect to uphold with their partners. Whether to have children, where and how you plan to live, religious and philosophical beliefs and lifestyle issues are good starting points. The more specific you are about your relationship before tying the knot, the less likely you’ll be to have disagreements later.

2. Support each other. Too many married people allow other relationships to come first, ruining the security of their partners by not taking their sides. Letting parents and in-laws interfere, taking sides with children against your spouse, or being swayed by friends to neglect your spouse’s feelings are three examples of ways that people drive each other away. Make it a rule to support your spouse. Consider each others’ feelings, by siding together whenever possible and by standing up for each other when people outside your marriage interfere. You will sometimes disagree with each other; do it privately and work the matter out between the two of you without other people around.

3. Protect each other. If you love someone, keep them safe from harm. It can be in little things, like answering the phone when your spouse is napping, or in big things like encouraging them to see a doctor when they aren’t well. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that marriage is about taking care of yourself while your spouse does the same: it’s about pooling your energy to help each other through life.

4. Don’t go to bed angry. This is an old saw, but a sharp one. Make it a rule that nobody sleeps until the fight is resolved. You may as well—you won’t sleep anyway! If you find yourself in a fight and want to put out the fire, try saying this and see if it helps. Say, “I don’t want to fight with you.” Say it honestly, without anger or frustration, and the answer may be “I don’t want to fight with you, either.”

5. Give a lot. Don’t count the cost of what you do for your partner: count the rewards that come in closeness and appreciation.

6. Ignore the bad little things, appreciate the good little things. Someone else’s habits can be wearing when you’re tired or cranky about other things. But we all have them, and it doesn’t help to blow them out of proportion. Focus on the things you like about your partner, and speak your appreciation out loud.

7. Focus on happiness. When you make decisions as a couple, recognize that your first goal is for you both to be happy. Remember that prestige, money and possessions don’t contribute to happiness. An important part of focusing on happiness is refusing to accept bad behavior from your spouse. Dr. John Gottman, a noted marriage researcher, found that couples who set high standards for their behavior tend to be happier than those who accept hurtful behavior.

8. Dr. Gottman recommends that we "edit" ourselves by not saying every negative thing that flies into our heads. Entire books have been written on how to “fight fair”, but it mainly boils down to one thing. We all have a sense that tells us the difference between airing legitimate grievances and hitting below the belt. When we’re really angry, sometimes we disregard the inner voice that tells us what’s unfair. Gottman also found that arguments escalate because one partner starts off with a critical or contemptuous remark. Make it a personal rule to control your temper in fights, to avoid sarcasm, name-calling or blaming. If you do slip up, apologize immediately and concede the fight to your partner as a penalty. If a fight is getting out of control, back down, say something caring to your partner, make up, or take a break.

9. Give each other mental and emotional space. One mistake couples make is in trying to tell each other “everything”. Loading all your thoughts (especially negative thoughts) onto another person is exhausting and overwhelming for both people. If your partner doesn’t want to talk about something, take some time before asking again, and if you realize that it isn’t relevant to your relationship, let it go. Obviously, some things have to be discussed, and should be, but all people need time and space to reflect and muse, to try and work things out for themselves before talking to anyone else.

10. Get close. People who touch each other with affection get sick less often, have quicker recoveries when they do fall ill, have lower blood pressure, fewer headaches and generally lead a healthier life. Hold hands, stroke faces, walk together, dance, kiss and hold each other. Cuddle up on the couch. Kiss hello and goodbye, and give lots of love pats.

11. Be playful. Thomas Morrison, Ph.D., at UC Davis Medical Center, found that couple's "fun" activities decreased an average of 20% in the first year of marriage, while housekeeping and business-related activities increased. It makes sense that when couples start having less fun and more work, they will not be as happy in the relationship. You may not be able to reduce the entire workload of running a home, but make time to enjoy time together as well.

12. Forgive each other. We all make mistakes, but it takes a pretty huge mistake to wreck a marriage. Usually, it isn’t the mistake that calls an end to the relationship; it’s the unwillingness of one partner to forgive. Let little mistakes go, and once they’re over, don’t bring them up again. When someone makes a really bad error, weigh the situation against the importance of the relationship before making a final decision. If the mistake was yours, apologize, honestly promise not to do it again and ask for forgiveness. (We’re assuming here that recognizing oneself as having made a mistake prevents people from repeating it. It’s an optimistic view, but long-married people tend to be optimists.)

Marriage isn’t a grim, monotonous walk towards death; it’s a shared journey in a fascinating world. Don’t just be breadwinners and householders and child-raisers and car-fixers: play together! Be sand-castle-builders and remote trails hikers and picnic-eaters and Scrabble players. Amuse each other. Disappear together for no reason except the joy you find in discovering things in each others' presence. Share a hobby, take up dancing, or create things together. Celebrate everything you can think of.

There’s nothing sadder than a marriage that ends because two people “just can’t get along”. With some patience, the frictions of daily life can be no more than minor distractions, leaving you both free to explore and enjoy each other—a process that grows deeper and more satisfying with the passage of time.

Novelty Cereal Copy for MainStreet Sonoma & Mabel's Laundromat

Honey Hotties
Sugar turning your teeth into little brown stumps?
We think that’s sexy!
Plunge that moth-eaten mouth into Honey Hotties – a bee-sweet bowlful of downtown delight.
High-sucrose and low-fiber; but a real man doesn’t mind a little colonic irritation.
(And you’re a Real Man, aren’t you sweetie?)
Honey Hotties –because you’ll eat anything if you think you’ll get laid.

Cocoa Kinky Bursts
All tied up over breakfast? Flagellate your aching tastebuds with cocoa-powered badness. You’ve been very naughty, so you’ll eat every bite, no matter how you squirm. Don’t whine to me about your glycemic index – you’ll get a beating for sure. In fact, you’ll get a beating anyway, and you’ll like it too.
Cocoa Kinky Bursts – a hundred nasty thwacks in every box.

Frosty Bitch Flakes
The icy stare, the cold, uncaring glance
the occasional vicious verbal slight, or even outright laughter
keep him coming back for more
Rejection – the essence of attraction
Frosty Bitch Flakes
nourish your Inner Bitch
with the latest in high-carb nutrition
mood swings, anxiety, unpredictability
you are fascinating, unattainable, immune to reason.
He is lost.
(And that’s what you wanted, right?)

Frosty Bitch Flakes 2
She did it again, the little minx
stuck a fork right through your hand
she’s cute all right, but mean as a real mean snake.
She’s got your heart –and everything else, you poor emasculated wretch.
Give her a cereal that says you’d do it all over again
Frosty Bitch Flakes – because you eat them with a spoon.

FBF3
Captivate him with accusations, selfishness and noisy hysterics.
Then take his every cent and sleep with his therapist.
Feed your sensitive soul with caffeine, nicotine, painkillers – and Frosty Bitch.
Soar to new heights of sucrose-driven mania
perfect for corporate takeovers—and take-no-prisoners divorce.
Frosty Bitch Flakes: because he really is a bastard and you deserve much better
(may cause headache, nausea and abdominal pain)

Resume--Welcome Prime Creative!

LORI COVINGTON
writeforyou@gmail.com
(902) 677-2707

Writer and Editor

EDUCATION
M.A., Counselling (Educational) Psychology, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

B.A., Psychology, Humboldt State University. Presidential Scholar.

Freelance writer, researcher and editor since 2001.

WRITTEN WORK
Copy writing**informational articles**brochures**press releases**sales letters**scripts**SEO copy**blogging** newsletters**ghostwriting**magazine writing**training manuals

MARKETING, PR & ADVERTISING WRITING
• Sales letters for ebooks “Beautiful You” and “Beauty in Your Thirties” (Ken Giddens & Meg Awtry)
• Online ads for “Law Abiding Citizen” (SocialTyze.com)
• Marketing copy, Medway Candle
• Articles including product mentions for Canadian Gardening and Occasions magazines.
• Press releases, Barn.Culture.com
• Marketing copy, Stage 8 Fasteners
• Catalog Copy, product packaging, MainStreet Sonoma.

RESEARCH
• Conducted interviews and internet-based market research for author, wrote reports and made recommendations for content leading to the book, “Turning Silver into Gold: How to Profit in the New Boomer Marketplace,” by Mary Furlong.

• Online medical research for articles commissioned by Anaxos Publishing for the Gale Encyclopedia of Mental Health, 2007.

• Conducted interviews and library research for an article on the Brown Spruce Longhorn Beetle, published in Atlantic Forestry Review.

• Conducted research and wrote 4 (ghostwritten) books and 13 ebooks since 2001.

• Doctoral-level coursework in assessment, research methodology and statistics.

• Coursework in qualitative analysis, ethics, interviewing and listening.

CONTINUING EDUCATION & PROFESSIONAL AFFILIATION
• 2010. Member, Writers’ Federation of Nova Scotia
• 2009. Attended grant-writing seminar at Nova Scotia Community College
• 2006. Online course in Jungian psychology based on the book, "My Life as an Elephant".


BLOGS
http://open.salon.com/blog/loricovington

http://toughrocks.blogspot.com

http://escapefromdraconia.blogspot.com/


PUBLISHED ARTICLES

“StyleWatch”. Occasions (food and beverage) magazine. Spring 2010.

“A Bright, Warm, Winter Room”. Occasions (food and beverage) magazine. Winter 2009.

Restaurant Features, “Nectar” and “The Vines”. Occasions (food and beverage) magazine. Winter 2009.

“Taking Care of Business”. Canadian Gardening magazine. Fall, 2009.

“Favorite Gardening Tips”. April/May 2009, Mother Earth News.

“Heirloom Plants”. 2009 Annual Special Issue “Fantastic Gardens”. Canadian Gardening magazine.

"Ladies Who Lunch". Comic strip. 2007, Southern Seasons magazine.

"Pemphigus in Cats.” November, 2005, Atlantic Pets Magazine.

“A Fungus Among Us: Ophiostoma tetropii in the Brown Spruce Longhorn Beetle.” (Published as "Hot on the Bad Beetle’s Trail.”) May, 2004, Atlantic Forestry Review.

SELECTED URLs
http://www.freebeautytips.org/history-of-perfume.html
http://www.parenttime.com/pregnancyarticles/increasefertility.html
www.parenttime.com/pregnancyarticles/howtogetpregnant.html
http://www.barnculture.com/articles/id_163/
http://www.barnculture.com/articles/id_168/
http://www.aboutaerobics.com/nondiet-approach.html
http://www.livestrong.com/article/27179-ingredients-rosebud-salve/
http://www.freebeautytips.org/zen-beauty.html
http://www.freebeautytips.org/real-beauty.html
http://www.barnculture.com/articles/id_162/
http://www.articlecity.com/articles/health/article_6101.shtml
http://www.stage8.com/hydro.html

RECENT PROJECTS & PARTNERSHIPS
• “Escape from Draconia: Mikki Madigan’s First Adventure” published at Smashwords.com
• Comic Strip “Without Joy”, writer; with Jeff Harvey, artist. http://toughrocks.blogspot.com
• Novella, “As Pretty Does”, commissioned by Fox Digital Entertainment
• Screenplay, “A Walk in the Woods”, co-author; with Scarlett Kleint.
• Novelization of audiobook, “The Magic Mattress”, co-author; with Rob Sloane.
• Screenplay, “Boil It Down”, author.

Are Words Like Art?

I have a friend who's a terrific artist. She makes small objects that you can hold in your hand or wear on your body, and she makes them of precious metals that she meticulously designs, crafts and polishes. She's particular, right down to making her own findings, which lots of jewelers buy in bulk because they're tiny and fussy, with itsy-bitsy tolerances...She makes lockets with tiny things in them, like the thorn of a rose. And she admits that what the world at large wants is, by and large, a hundred of something, preferably something that can be marked up a lot and still cost under fifty bucks.

http://www.shiny-objects.com/page.php?itemID=24&tag=Lockets

And a few days ago I met a lovely woman, a writer, who told me she often writes for one cent a word. Later, she revised her estimate upwards (it would have been hard to go lower), to 2.5 cents a word. I wanted to cry. I wanted to quit. How, we asked each other, can you market your writing to people who don't want to pay for it? Who don't value it? And the answer is, you can't.

Like my friend can't sell a perfectly crafted gold locket to someone who wants a mood ring. Some people, a lot of people, want a ten dollar ring that changes color when their hands get warm or cold. They aren't interested in art, or what a locket can conceal, or the time and care that goes into making such a marvellous machine. Some people want words by the ten-thousand, and whether or not they're grammatical or poetic or well-researched or even true is completely immaterial. They're looking to fill pages with text, for as little outlay as possible. On the internet, some people think that's good business.

The trick for writers must be to find the ones who care about words, who think words matter and that there's still something left to say and someone to say it. It must be most writers' dream, to find someone who thinks writing is important enough to pay for it with the same promptitude, the same reverence the same assiduity that they would pay their monthly electric bill.

Resume

LORI COVINGTON
writeforyou@gmail.com
(902) 677-2707

Writer and Editor
EDUCATION
M.A., Counseling Psychology, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

B.A., Psychology, Humboldt State University. Presidential Scholar.


BLOGS
http://open.salon.com/blog/loricovington

http://toughrocks.blogspot.com

http://escapefromdraconia.blogspot.com/

SELECTED URLs

http://www.occasionsmagazine.ca/NLC/themedcelebrations/StylewatchGreeningupforSpring/index.cfm?issue=spring_2010

http://www.canadiangardening.com/how-to/seeds/the-business-of-seed-catalogues/a/29268

http://www.canadiangardening.com/how-to/gardening-basics/five-reasons-to-grow-heirloom-plants/a/22460

http://www.livestrong.com/article/27179-ingredients-rosebud-salve/
http://www.freebeautytips.org/history-of-perfume.html
http://www.livestrong.com/article/39641-bayer-aspirin-tablet-ingredients/
http://www.parenttime.com/pregnancyarticles/increasefertility.html
www.parenttime.com/pregnancyarticles/howtogetpregnant.html
http://www.barnculture.com/articles/id_163/
http://www.barnculture.com/articles/id_168/
http://www.aboutaerobics.com/nondiet-approach.html
http://www.freebeautytips.org/zen-beauty.html
http://www.freebeautytips.org/real-beauty.html
http://www.barnculture.com/articles/id_162/
http://www.articlecity.com/articles/health/article_6101.shtml
http://www.stage8.com/hydro.html

RECENT PROJECTS
• “Escape from Draconia: Mikki Madigan’s First Adventure” published at Smashwords.com
• Comic Strip “Without Joy”, writer; with Jeff Harvey, artist. http://toughrocks.blogspot.com
• Novella, “As Pretty Does”, commissioned by Fox Digital Entertainment
• Short Story, “Rinse and Spit”, commissioned by Fox Digital Entertainment
• Screenplay, “A Walk in the Woods”, co-author; with Scarlett Kleint.
• Novelization of audiobook, “The Magic Mattress”, co-author; with Rob Sloane.
• Screenplay, “Boil It Down”, author.

PUBLISHED ARTICLES

“StyleWatch”. Occasions (food and beverage) magazine. Spring 2010.

“A Bright, Warm, Winter Room”. Occasions (food and beverage) magazine. Winter 2009.

Restaurant Features, “Nectar” and “The Vines”. Occasions (food and beverage) magazine. Winter 2009.

“Taking Care of Business”. Canadian Gardening magazine. Fall, 2009.

“Favorite Gardening Tips”. April/May 2009, Mother Earth News.

“Heirloom Plants”. 2009 Annual Special Issue “Fantastic Gardens”. Canadian Gardening magazine.

"Ladies Who Lunch". Comic strip. 2007, Southern Seasons magazine.

"Pemphigus in Cats.” November, 2005, Atlantic Pets Magazine.

“A Fungus Among Us: Ophiostoma tetropii in the Brown Spruce Longhorn Beetle.” (Published as "Hot on the Bad Beetle’s Trail.”) May, 2004, Atlantic Forestry Review.

Is It Wrong?

Is it wrong that I also started a blog at Salon? Thing is, lots of people do their reading there. Is it wrong that I intend to put a link to it in this blog? I guess if it is, someone will let me know.

http://open.salon.com/blog/loricovington

Oddly, I also checked on my stuff at Associated Content, where I have 7 articles. The most-read one? On pemphigus--an autoimmune disorder that had affected my beautiful Siamese cat. More than 1600 hits-way more than anything else! Why? Could THAT many people be interested in pemphigus?

The Gruesome Discovery of How I Need Technology

I was in denial when I dropped out of Facebook. I was in denial when I refused to add links on Linkedin, unless someone else asked me first. I wanted to pretend social media was something I could avoid, but it turns out that's just not true.Being online, working online, without participating in some social media is like going to a party but then refusing a drink and standing in the corner alone until it's time to leave. And then wondering why you never meet anyone you can talk to! It doesn't work. I get it: Either log in or get out.

Okay--I sent 17 linkedin invites today to people from my address book who hopefully will not mind being asked to increase their own social media contacts by 1--me. I blogged the other blog, and now this one. I'm visiting links to other peoples' online stuff. I'll get back to FB, I will. Mikki Madigan will not suffer because of my asocial tendencies!