Elevator Talk

ELEVATOR TALK--OR, HOW PASSION BEGINS

Four people are standing in an elevator.


Man 1 Man 2 Woman 1 Woman 2

MAN 1: You are so wonderful—I think I love you!

MAN 2: I beg your pardon; are you talking to me?

WOMAN 1 (pointing to WOMAN 2): I think he’s talking to her.

WOMAN 2: Who, me? Can’t be. Nobody’s ever loved me.

WOMAN 1: That can’t be true. I mean, maybe your mother did, or some guy in high school….I mean somebody…(subsides into mumbling)

MAN 2: We’ve never met, but given the chance, I would probably love you. Especially if you took your clothes off right away. (to himself) I always love women who do that.

WOMAN 2 (sobbing): No, no, it’s true! I have always been completely unloved!

MAN 1: Why are you crying? I said that I love you! I dream of you each night. I’ve been rising this elevator a 9AM for three years, wanting to tell you how I feel! I adore you!

WOMAN 2: Sure, now you say it. But where were you fifteen years ago, when I needed a date for the prom? I had to go with my cousin. (Screaming at MAN 1) Where were you, you bastard!

MAN 2: Yeah, where exactly were you?

MAN 1: I didn’t even know her in high school! I was in Edinburgh. I swear it!

WOMAN 1: You men are all alike. In different ways, of course.

MAN 2: puts his arm around WOMAN 2, who is crying on his shoulder: There, there. (To MAN 1) You know, she doesn’t deserve this. I should punch you right in the nose.

MAN 1: What for? You don’t even know her!

MAN 2: Hey—all I know is I’ve got an armful of something soft and warm, and I should either thank you or turn your face into my personal punching bag.

MAN 1: But I’m the one who loved her—er—loves her. I should be punching you in the nose. Get your hands off my girl!

WOMAN 1 (begins to cry): Why is she so wonderful? I’m a nice person. I have beautiful legs and I can cook too. I’m amazing in the sack. But where’s my adoring boyfriend? Why doesn’t anyone give me a diamond and ask me to meet him at the church? (Screaming) Am I a gorgon? A monster? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!

MAN 1 to WOMAN 1: Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic?

WOMAN 2: Really! (Laughs a little and edges closer to MAN 2)

MAN 2 to WOMAN 1: After all, it’s not like we know each other!